The relationship is a link that constantly puts us to the test since we establish an intimate contact where all our fears and lack of insurance are exposed. For couples therapists, there are some factors that cause the end of a relationship, to which this article is devoted.
Being involved in one of these behaviors indicates that we need to change an important aspect of how we relate to others. Otherwise, we will fuel the conflict by increasing the likelihood that the relationship will end.
Disputes, misunderstandings, and disagreements are part of the relationship.
However, there are many ways to communicate our emotions, and some of them are very destructive. It is these forms of expression that we must leave aside if we want to feel understood, but also if we want our relationship to be strengthened.
The first step is to realize that love is an art, just as living is one. If we want to learn to love, we must proceed in the same way we would if we wanted to learn any other art, music, painting, carpentry, or the art of medicine or engineering.
Critics hurt, and destroy. Their power is so great that they alone can destroy a relationship, especially if they are directed toward the person and that person does not have the opportunity to answer.
In a relationship, these are weapons loaded by the devil himself.
Criticism and complaint are two different things that should not be confused. Indeed, the complaint is rather specific; it focuses on the act in itself more than on the person.
Criticism results in guilt and defamation, with all that that may imply for the other person.
When we scorn our companion, we poison the relationship, causing a very deep wound. Contempt, therefore, attacks what is most basic; the respect one owes to the other.
It is difficult to reach a reconciliation when there has previously been contempt. This behavior generates a conflict that becomes difficult to manage.
Sarcasm, mockery, and skepticism are part of contempt. We must be on the lookout for the moment we fall into these behaviors since once we learn to bond with others in this way, the conflict is served and the damage caused will undergo a long and complex repair.
When we adopt a defensive attitude, we hinder communication through a barrier that is created by making our partner feel guilty. We distort the messages and fill them with interference, with the unconscious objective of not showing our vulnerability.
When one remains in this attitude, one blocks the dialogue and the effective tone, to leave room for misunderstanding and emotional distancing. By feeling attacked, we build a shield facing us and all our weapons, making the link a pitched battle.
By adopting a defensive attitude, we send the following message to our spouse: “the problem is not me, but you,” a bias by which it only aggravates the conflict.
The violent approach in an argument gives shape to factors that we have discussed earlier in this article. Criticism and contempt can give rise to a defensive attitude; later, when the distance begins to be important, the evasive attitude appears.
Arrived at this point of the relationship, where it is necessary to distance oneself to feel good, will be necessary the will of both members of the couple to save what is broken so as not to further destroy the relationship that they maintain together ; quite the opposite, therefore, of what would be an evasive attitude.
We can ignore the problem or ignore the other, but when we look back, we will realize that nothing will be left.
Thus, evasive attitude clearly shows that love goes away.